


There Is Suffering Too Terrible To Name

by orphan_account



Series: At Last I See The Light [1]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternatively titled: Jeremy and Ryan refuse to talk, Bad Parenting, FAHC, Fake AH Crew, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, it's in the past though don't worry, kind of angst?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:00:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25035844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “Why… Why do you keep your marks covered?” Jeremy asked in the most casual voice he could manage, looking down at his hands briefly before he looked back up at Ryan. “Is it because you’re embarrassed that I’m your soulmate?”Ryan frowned, twisting in his seat to face his boyfriend. “Jeremy, why would I be embarrassed of you?”
Relationships: Jeremy Dooley/Ryan Haywood
Series: At Last I See The Light [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1772794
Comments: 3
Kudos: 41





	There Is Suffering Too Terrible To Name

It was getting late.

Almost three hours since Jeremy had asked Ryan on an impromptu date after Geoff announced their afternoon meeting had been pushed until tomorrow. Three hours of driving around the city, singing loudly and off-key to whatever came on the radio, an entire evening of getting to know each other in the way they hadn’t had a chance to since they met. It had only been two weeks, but in some ways, it felt like it had been a lifetime.

But then, that was the way soulmate bonds worked, didn’t they? It was never meant to feel like getting to know one another, but rather like remembering them from something. Soulmates _were_ bonded over lifetimes, at least that’s what some claimed. Others thought it to be bullshit. But whatever the case, Jeremy _knew_ Ryan without knowing a damn thing about him. And talking tonight felt like reminiscing on old memories, stories he’s never heard and yet felt so familiar with.

There was only one thing that was nagging Jeremy in the back of his mind. One thing he couldn’t seem to figure out no matter how easy it was to figure out everything else.

Since they had met, Jeremy had never once seen Ryan in anything less than long sleeves. It was the middle of summer in California, it was hot as balls outside and even Jeremy had given up his signature jacket for something cooler, but Ryan _always_ was wearing long sleeves. Most of the time he had his jacket on as well, no matter how much Jack bothered him to take it off before he got heatstroke from being outside.

(Jeremy asked Michael, once, why Ryan refused to take Jack’s advice. Michael shrugged and said that Ryan almost always wore his jacket to keep up his aesthetic. The long sleeves were a newer addition, though, and Michael could only assume it had something to do with the last time Ryan was kidnapped or part of his bid to keep his marks as hidden as possible).

Up until now, Jeremy hadn’t felt like it was his place to ask such a private question, even if Ryan was his boyfriend. But now, after three hours of doing nothing but getting to know each other before settling their car on the beach to watch the sun go down, it felt like there was no better time.

Jeremy turned in his seat to face his boyfriend, taking a deep breath before saying: “Hey Ry, can I ask you something?”

Ryan hummed quietly, not looking away from the sea. “What’s up, J?”

“Why… Why do you keep your marks covered?” Jeremy asked in the most casual voice he could manage, looking down at his hands briefly before he looked back up at Ryan. “Is it because you’re embarrassed that I’m your soulmate?”

Ryan frowned, twisting in his seat to face his boyfriend. “Jeremy, why would I be embarrassed of you?”

Jeremy fidgeted in his seat, shrugging one shoulder and turning to look out the front window so he wouldn’t have to meet Ryan’s eyes. “I don’t know. Because I was a fan of the crew? I’m not as good as the rest of y’all? Because you think the way I dress is stupid? Because…”

Jeremy took a deep breath in an attempt to keep his voice steady as he added “Because I have another soulmate?”

“You have another soulmate?” Ryan asked sharply, and Jeremy quickly nodded in confirmation, trying not to let his fear show at the unreadable look on Ryan’s face.

“Show me.”

For anyone else, Jeremy would have refused, but at this point, it was too late to go back. His hand was shaking slightly as he pushed back the bracelets he had been using to keep it hidden, and revealed the pair of sunglasses that sat on his wrist.

Ryan inhaled sharply next to him and fumbled for a moment before pulling back his own sleeve to reveal a matching mark.

“You have it too,” Jeremy breathed, relief flooding through him as he looked up at Ryan, who was staring at their matching marks in a quiet awe.

“I kept meaning to ask you,” Ryan said, looking up at Jeremy. “But I was worried it was still too soon.”

“Is that why you kept it covered?” Jeremy asked, hope bubbling in his chest that the thing he worried so long over had such a simple solution and was not something bigger as he feared.

Ryan sighed, covering up his mark and turning back properly in his seat, shaking his head. “It’s… a long story, Jeremy.”

Ryan put his seatbelt back on and started the car, a clear sign that whatever memory Jeremy had poked was not one he wished to think about. “I’ll explain it to you one day. But I’m not ready yet.”

Jeremy nodded, trying to hide his disappointment as he followed Ryan’s motions and put on his seatbelt. It wasn’t like he hadn’t considered the fact Ryan wouldn’t want to talk about it, but still, it hurt. It was like Ryan saying he didn’t trust him yet.

As if he could read Jeremy’s mind, Ryan reached over, grabbing his hand and squeezing it tightly. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you, Jeremy. I just… I _can’t._ I haven’t told anyone. It’s too _much.”_

Jeremy squeezed Ryan’s hand back and smiled softly to hide the emotions running through his head.

“It’s okay, Ry. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want. I understand.”

He didn’t. At least not completely. It was hard to understand what could be much worse than what they had told each other in the past few hours.

But just because Jeremy couldn’t imagine something worse didn’t mean it didn’t exist. And even if it wasn’t objectively worse, whatever had happened obviously carried more weight for Ryan than anything else they had spoken about.

So Jeremy could get over his hurt feelings, and suck up his disappointment. And he would wait as long as Ryan needed to tell him, because at the end of the day it was Ryan’s story, and who was Jeremy to judge it before he had heard or push it out of him before he was ready?

Besides, it's not like he had technically told Ryan everything about himself either. Until a few moments before he had never mentioned his second mark, and although Ryan would never ask Jeremy understood now the look on his face when Jeremy asked if he was ashamed of him having two marks was riddled with an underlying confusion.

After all, Jeremy had conveniently left out in talking about his past, the reason he had run away from home at all when he was barely 18, with no money and no plan, but desperate to escape a house where his two marks were treated as something that needed to be fixed, when mark removed to mark him as “normal” again. Left out the reason he had taken up art and writing as a kid after someone he thought was a friend found out he had two marks during a sleepover when he was only 8, and the entire school had marked him as an outcast no one dared to come near him even when he traded schools the next year.

Jeremy didn’t tell Ryan how he had grown up in such a toxic environment he had been ashamed of his two marks for years, had only run away because his parents had finally found the experimental treatment to have it removed and he realized as they told him this that killing his mark would hurt more than killing himself. Jeremy never mentioned the bracelets he wore covering his second mark because he couldn’t look at it still without feeling sick, remembering what he had almost done once upon a time.

Who was Jeremy really to get upset with Ryan for keeping secrets over his soulmarks, when Jeremy was keeping so many of his own? If anything, he should be basking in the relief that Ryan shared the same second mark as him, that they were both on the same boat and Ryan didn’t seem to _care_.

Absently Jeremy pushed his thumb under the bracelets to rub his second mark, wonder why he felt more on edge than ever now that he no longer needed to hide the soulmark he had been raised since birth to despise.


End file.
